DidntSeeIt.com

What do these items have in common: a big revolving tube that speaks whale, a big square filled with half-human androids, nuclear war, and an asteroid the size of texas? You got it, all things that have threatened to destroy the planet. Where they didn’t succeed with all their enormous size or massive firepower or legions of highly trained android soldiers, according to this crappy new movie, a dude who hangs out at the Wharf covered in silver paint is going to? The storied planet-killer whose tale is told in the holy book of each of humanity’s great religions lives among us, and he’s the silver guy? The guy who makes, like, 12 bucks a day pretending to be a weird metal scarecrow? Check me out, I’m revolving my arm like it’s on a hinge…then I swivel my head awkwardly toward you..then I bend slightly forward at the waist…then I reveal that I am the fabled destroyer, the Tox Uthat who will render the planet inhabitable and annihilate all life! This is my message to you earth-dwellers: abandon hope, for ye are forsaken and will soon join the dust of the cosmic void.

But wait, dude I forgot my surfboard! How can I be one of the greatest powers in the universe, and have forgotten my board? Man, life can be so complicated. First, you totally bum people out when you’re all, “shawww, bro, by tomorrow all this is going to be gone!” NOBODY likes to hear that, dude, nobody! And then usually they want to get all on your case, bringing out the military and their missles and shit, which I’m all thwack, knocking them down, thwack thwack! Later dudes, surf’s up—on Ceti Alpha Six!