DidntSeeIt.com

With the recent revelation by J. K. Rowling that Dumbedore is gee ay why, it should come as no surprise that Hollywood would rush to out another beloved children’s character: Mr. Magoo.Dustin Hoffman pulls out his old bag of Ratzo Rizzo “tricks” from Urban Cowboy as the conflicted Magoo, and the director and screenwriter try to pack as many rainbow cliches into one film as they can - there’s lip-synching to opera ala “Philadelphia”, shirt snuggling ala “Brokeback Mountain”, and blurry half-naked car polishing, just like in that Kenneth Anger film I also didn’t see. I swear.

Natalie Portman has a quick hit as Princess Amygdala, and by the end of act one you’ll be wishing you could excise yours, because your reaction is likely to be fear, then anger, and then some wordless growling noises that start deep in the back of your throat. You’ll start feeling all hot and sweaty, and you will realize that you’ve been wearing your pants way too loose all these years. Maybe you should wash the car this weekend when the high school kids are playing catch on the street, or maybe you’ll want to take a drive and visit those fascinating highway rest stops your wife never seems to need.

I mean, is her bladder made of IRON?!

Oompa Loompa, wide stance. Rated G.