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Frozen River is about this lady named Ray Eddy, whose husband leaves her two days before Christmas. You might think it’s a little early for a Christmas movie, and you would be right. July is when the studios dump all the shitty Christmas movies (which is why Autobiography Of A Special Moose came out last Friday).

Anyways, Ray Eddy’s husband leaves her (I’m assuming because she has two guy names and not even one lady name) and Ray starts feeding her kids Tang. There’s really no excuse for poor nutrition. I don’t care how broke you are.

So then Ray meets a Mohawk woman, which as you can see in the picture is a big crock because guess what normal hair. However, she does have some of those Native American mystical powers, like being able to talk to fleece-filled inner tubes.

So the Mohawk Rosie O’Donnell lady turns out to be a struggling single mom too. And you know what happens when two struggling single moms get together and share their struggles? I fall asleep.

So I can’t tell you how it all turns out, but I’m gonna go ahead and go with learning to stand up for themselves and teaching us all about the struggles of single moms and Native Americans. And it doesn’t have a really happy ending because learning to stand up for yourself and telling the world how you’ve been mistreated is useful but they don’t take it at Best Buy.