Here are, in our estimation, the finest of the reviews we had time to read (we are really busy):
Witnesses report seeing a nude Mr. Groocock dive from the top of the AMC 34 Theatres in Las Vegas, Nevada, and land in its decorative fountain. Police investigators believe his body traveled to West Covina through the sewer lines. However, the investigation is ongoing.
There is one matter in which the police are looking to the public for assistance. When Mr. Groocock leapt to his death, he was seen clutching a large sheet of paper. When his body was found, this scrap was in his hand:
If anyone understands what this means and can shed some light on this tragic event, the grieving Groococks would be grateful.
Please return to didntseeit.com soon for a touching tribute to Kevin Didntseeit’s work, lovingly prepared by the interns at the law offices of Halverstone, Halverstone, Halverstone, Halverstone, and McCormick.
Very truly yours,
P.P. Halverstone, Esq.
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I know you are expecting me to say I couldn’t follow this movie because I didn’t see Hamlet 1 but you are wrong because Hamlet 1 is a book.
And don’t worry, you don’t actually have to understand Shakespeare to laugh at the smartypants jokes, you just have to think you do.
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For every culture in the world, there’s a greedy young asshole willing to exploit it to advance his Hollywood career. And with the number of Burning Man attendees now at 50,000, you had to figure there would be a “major motion picture” about life on the playa sooner or later.
But rather than go to the trouble of making a complex, thoughtful movie about the Burning Man phenomenon, the lazy producers just took a formulaic sports movie and transplanted it to Black Rock City. The result is a movie that really could be taking place anywhere.
The only site-specific scene is when protagonist Christopher Wang candy-flips for a couple of days then freaks out on DMT and screams at chubby little Asian kids.
This movie isn’t nearly as cool as it was in 1998, man, but if you haven’t seen it, you should probably go.
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You know, I was expecting a lot of negativity and dirty tricks, but to tell you the truth I was completely blindsided by this.
I mean, releasing this movie the day after his big acceptance speech?
It’s a nice picture of him, though.
]]>Anyways so it turns out they got mummies in China too, and as you can see the also have big cartoon yetis.
And so Brendan Fraser goes there and they tell him about the undead emperor guy and he’s all “nuh-uh” and they’re all “yuh-huh” (except in Chinese, so it’s more like “yuh-hung”).
Then the Chinese say “Hey where’s that bookish lady you were with in the first movie?” and he’s all “Who? I don’t know who you’re talking about” and they’re all “You remember, that lady with the glasses who got hotter when she took them off” and he’s all “Doesn’t ring a bell” and the Chinese say “I think I saw her on TV — didn’t she win an Oscar?” and that’s when Brendan Fraser starts to cry.
Anyways, so then there are some big cartoons they all have to fight, and this one guy that you just met dies, and it looks like it’s all over for a second, but at the end they fight this enormous cartoon and win, and then Maria Bello goes to the ATM and makes a deposit. (spoiler alert!)
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This post-apocalyptic thriller (a sequel to 2004’s Immodium A.D.), has been getting some pretty bad reviews:
“Parts of the movie are like a bad episode of 24”
“Fox was just trying to get a PG-13 movie … they don’t give a shit”
“I’m very unhappy with the film”
“The script wasn’t respected … a terrible experience”
But don’t let these quotes sway your opinion any. Who cares what the director thinks?
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Hey listen Ricko and I were out pretty late and I haven’t hardly slept so I called in sick to work (I never get really colds, I think because I drink so much grape juice, so I have to use my sick days somehow).
Anyways I’m going back to bed.
Oh yeah, and College is fucking terrible.
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